


Up We Go

by verboseEmpath



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Coming of Age, Depression, F/F, Humanstuck, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, alternating dave and rose POV, more specific warnings will be given before each chapter as needed, the alphas are freshmen in college and the betas are seniors in college, time for some quality strilonde interaction and gay teens being gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-16 13:29:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9273920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verboseEmpath/pseuds/verboseEmpath
Summary: "Everyone here is ready to goIt's been a hard year, and I only knowFrom down this lowIt's only up, up we go"-Lights,[s]Rose Lalonde and Dave Strider have only one more year of high school, while their older siblings, Dirk and Roxy, are just beginning college.A failed relationship, several mental declines, and a few months later...And our story begins a little before Christmas time, when a seemingly run-of-the-mill party sets into motion a series of unexpected events, both good and bad.In other words, a coming-of-age story about falling down and falling in love.





	1. AI. For the Better

**Author's Note:**

> TG: DIRK HAS A BOYFRIED   
>  TT: Does he now? Must’ve been painful.

_We could save each other for the better_  
_And when you say my name I'll be a memory_  
_This is more than we had planned_  
_Choice is taken from our hands_  
_Finally there's space to stand alone_  
-Birdy, [[s]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iHTp01QWKw)

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TT: Did you hear about the AHS Christmas party tomorrow night?  
TG: what do you take me for rose ofc i heard about the party  
TG: it is only THE party of the year  
TG: only complete asswipes dont know about the party  
TT: Forgive me for infringing on your pride; I know how delicate it can be.  
TG: offended  
TT: I’m not apologizing twice. I have a contrived hubris, too, you know.  
TT: I suppose what I meant to ask was: Are you going, and do you need me to drive you?  
TG: yes and yes  
TG: i mean  
TG: unless you wanna actually have fun for once then i can find another ride  
TG: im sure dirks bringing roxy we could ride with them  
TT: While I appreciate you taking my potential “fun” into consideration, I’ll have to decline.  
TT: I don’t mind driving you, you know.  
TT: Besides, there is no foreseeable future where Roxy doesn’t get completely trashed and vomits in Dirk’s car, and I would rather not be there for that.  
TG: hahahaha true  
TG: dirk is the real mvp for putting up with that shit  
TT: We’ve got to count ourselves fortunate for being born a whole year after them, because ostensibly that frees us of certain responsibilities pertaining to a certain alcoholic sister. This year, at least.  
TT: Sometimes I feel bad not being there to help Dirk anymore, but there is only so much I can do when they’re in college.  
TG: fuck that rose you helped more than enough while they were still in high school  
TG: god remember last year when roxy spilt an entire bottles worth of wine on your new dress  
TG: shit was a goddamn nightmare it looked like you were the dumb blonde teen in a slasher movie and roxy was the serial killer  
TT: Yes, regrettably that memory wasn’t tragic enough for it to be repressed and forgotten, so I remember it rather vividly.  
TT: Anyway.  
TT: We’ll leave the house tomorrow at 8:00. Sounds good?  
TG: hell yeah  
TG: also  
TG: jade and i are going get froyo tmr afternoon if you wanna join  
TT: Hang out with the ex with only my twin brother as a buffer?  
TT: I think I might take a rain check on that one.  
TG: yeah sorry i figured i just thought id mention it  
TG: i thought yall broke it off on good terms is all  
TT: We did.  
TT: I just,  
TT:  
TT: Hm.  
TG: no really rose its fine i shouldnt have opened that can of worms  
TG: dammit  
TT: Dave. It’s fine. I just need more time to sort out the vortex of feelings that come with that particular ‘can of worms.’  
TG: aight cool  
TT: Good night.  
TG: gn

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] –-

I close the chat window with a sigh. I really should go with Dave tomorrow. Jade has been messaging me to hang out lately, but I keep coming up with lame excuses not to. Dave was right; the breakup had been mutual and relatively good-natured. So why am I so adverse to the idea of simply being friends with Jade? The answer is there, in the back of my mind. _You are afraid of falling in love again_.

I shake my head, closing the laptop shut and carrying it from my desk to my bed. It is already twelve, and I know I’ll be up much later tomorrow night. I’ll answer a few unread messages then try to get some sleep. 

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] –-

TG: rosey!!!!!!  
TG: omg  
TG: idk wht u r doin but it s NOT more imporntant than wht I hav 2 tel u RN  
TG: *important (im porn tant lamO)0  
TG: ugggggggh y do u go to bed so eralyy u grandma  
TT: I’m still awake. What is so impor(n)tant that you felt the need to tell me at midnight?  
TT: That’s not that early, you know.  
TG: oky yis it is  
TG: but anyway u will not belief what i am abt 2 say  
TG: *belieb  
TG: ew *believe  
TT: Well, out with it then.  
TG: its aboat dirk :0  
TT: The audience is shocked.  
TG: shut  
TG: try 2 guess  
TG: youoll neverrrr get it  
TT: I am utterly trembling with anticipation. Please, proceed with your message; there is no way I can make an accurate guess in this state.  
TG: *she says w a straigt face n prolly a yawn*  
TG: hhhFINE  
TG: y u gotta ruin my fun man :(  
TT: Something tells me you’re still going to have plenty of fun telling me whatever it is you have to tell.  
TG: hehe ok ur rite  
TG: ~~like alweys``~~=  
TG: *always  
TG: ok! ehem  
TG: dirk  
TG:  
TG:  
TG:  
TT: You truly are a master of suspense.  
TG: shhhh yis i am but shhhH  
TG: DIRK HAS A BOYFRIED  
TT: Does he now? Must’ve been painful. Will we all have to change our names and move to Canada to escape the throes of the United States justice system now?  
TT: Hmmm.  
TT: How does “Viceroy Von Salamancer” sound?  
TG: *BOYFREN  
TG: **BOYFRIEND  
TG: thats the ticket  
TT: This is truly a startling revelation.  
TT: Not to mention much more interesting than fried males.  
TT: How long have they been together?  
TG: uh well  
TG: ok ill be honeste  
TG: they r teckincilly (aint even goona try 2 spell that rite) not dating i guess  
TG: but he def went on a date 2day thats fo sho  
TT: Who’s the lucky bachelor?  
TG: one o the harleyberst i thonk  
TG: *think omg  
TT: Oh.  
TG: the one lik jade but a boy and also not as smart  
TT: Hm.  
TG: wot  
TG: ok ye that was meam hes not DUMB its just jades RLLLY smrt  
TG: *meme  
TG: sigh mean*  
TG: rose??  
TG: o shit im srry I said the j word didnt i ufck  
TG: u n dirk with yall dam j-exs  
TG: maybe our family shuld stop dating harleybwrts  
TG: fuccck rose r u stil threre?  
TT: Yes, I’m still here.  
TT: I was just thinking. Perchance it is not a coincidence you bring her up right after Dave does the same not ten minutes ago.  
TG: oh????  
TT: He asked me to accompany Jade and him for some frozen yogurt. I declined, as I’ve been doing my best to avoid her in any and all situations. But maybe…  
TG: !!  
TT: I suppose what’s earnestly bothering me is that I’m not being fair. We broke up with no issue, and she is doing her best to continue on as friends but I persist in leaving her high and dry. I need to put my personal issues aside and at least put some effort into our currently non-existent friendship. What do you think?  
TG: uhhhh  
TG: i gues my advice woulud be to try it? bein fronds n all  
TG: *friends (tho frons sounds kinda cutew)  
TG: lik i cant rlly help w the whole feelins thing bc ive nvr been in a relaship b4 but  
TG: it sounds like som thin u gotta just try 2 kno 4fsure ya know??  
TT: Yes, thank you. I think I might go tomorrow.  
TT: If worse comes to worst I can always drown my feelings in alcohol at the party tomorrow night.  
TG: FUCK yeah :D  
TT: That was a joke.  
TG: man :(  
TT: Well, good night, Roxy. Keep watch for further developments on Dirk and his beau. I am curious as to where that goes.  
TG: oh i am wayyyyy ahed of u there grl dont u worry rox is THE slueth on the job  
TG: gnnn~~ 

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] –-

I close the laptop with a sense of foreboding. I need to rip off the band aid with this whole Jade thing. I know I’ve let it torment me far too long.

In a way, I truly am over her. The relationship itself was lack luster throughout its entirety—Jade had no inclination towards romantic feelings for me, and it took dating me for two months to figure that out. But she was my first real girlfriend. After spending three years of high school petrified at the very idea of being gay, and finally coming to terms with it senior year, my relationship with Jade meant a lot more to me than it felt like it did to her. Even if I knew from the start that it probably wouldn’t last.

I take a deep breath. Just go eat some goddamn froyo, Lalonde, and see where it goes from there.

\---

I am sitting at the kitchen counter in an old purple drama camp tee that I slept in last night and black sweat pants when Dave finally emerges from his upstairs cave. He doesn’t hide his surprise to see me here, made up and ready to go. (I use the phrase “made up” loosely. In reality, I slapped on an uneven layer of concealer and brushed on mascara to make my white eye lashes actually visible, while smearing black under my eye in the process. I’ve never pretended to be a makeup artist.)

“Uh, hey?” He greets me, obviously confused.

“I decided to go with you.”

“Oh? Oh. Okay, cool. Does…Jade know?”

“No. Should I have messaged her?”

“Nah it’s okay. I'll drop her a text. It was her idea for you to come anyway.” He grabs the keys to our shared convertible off the counter and sticks them in his red sweatshirt’s pocket. The Lalonde fortune has its perks, one of them being very nice vehicles. Though, I cannot say I’d rather riches over a mother that is actually present and sober. Eh. As said mother would say: C’est la vie. “I’ll drive since you’re already on driving duty tonight.”

“That’s fine,” I reply.

Speaking of Mom Lalonde, it takes us close to thirty minutes to get into town because apparently the most apt place to build a mansion is in the middle of a godforsaken forest miles away from civilization. Not that I mind the seclusion, it’s just inefficient.

The froyo shop is in Skaia, the same city our school, Skaia High School (SHS), is located. Dirk and Roxy live on campus at the college in Derse, a city not too far north of Skaia.

Though they are only a year older, Dirk and Roxy have been more of parent figures than our actual parents, so having them move out was tough to deal with for a while. But with it came more independence, and after a while we realized meeting in the middle in Skaia wasn’t as much as a challenge or a rarity as we first expecting. We still go to the same parties, after all.

A cute chime sounds as we rush in to escape the cold New York in December air. I should have worn a jacket. Jade is already in line waiting for us, and she waves us over with that brilliant grin of hers.

“My favorite set of twins!” She says, pulling both Dave and me into a hug. Her touch brings back plenty of memories I shove down and cover with a shy smile. “How have your Christmas breaks been?”

“Fan-fucking-tastic, I can tell you that,” Dave answers, “Nothing better than sleeping until noon and staying up until two every night.”

I scrounge for something to say, but like Dave, I haven’t done jack shit over break. This is the first time I’ve left the house, and one of the few times I’ve left my room. Seasonal depression settles in like an old friend—slowly, almost without notice. It has me stuck in a cycle of worrying about Dave who won’t leave his room any more than I will, and then not having the motivation to talk to him about it. I haven’t had the motivation to do anything, really, except watch terrible horror movies on Netflix and reread the sixth Harry Potter book over and over again. My violin is collecting dust, and I haven’t even thought about writing outside of school assignments in weeks.

“And you, Rose?” Jade prompts, pulling me back to earth.

“I can now state for a fact that Netflix has about two good horror movies, and they’re both more akin to thrillers than anything else. Did you know they had a movie with the title ‘I am the Pretty Thing that Lives in the House?’ How much more pretentious can one get?”

“You love pretentious movies, Rose, don’t lie,” Jade giggled.

“Exactly; it’s one of the two good ones.”

Jade’s giggle turns into out-right laughter. It’s always been easy to make her laugh, and it makes my heart glow to see her happy. It might be my imagination, because it’s hard to tell with his opaque shades on, but Dave is giving me A Look. Twin language for “See, it’s not that bad.”

After a little bit more of careless banter, we order our yogurt and find a booth at the back of the shop. I got a medium cup filled to the brim with lavender-flavored froyo even though it was below thirty degrees outside. It doesn’t matter; ice cream has always been my comfort food, and the universe knows I need it.

Jade’s light green eyes shimmer behind her glasses as she takes a bite of her brownie batter yogurt. “I think this place gets better every time I come here.”

“It would be better if I weren’t freezing, but yeah, sure,” Dave says. I can tell he’s shivering; even after living here for four years, the boy still hasn’t warmed up to New York temperatures (pun intended). I, myself, have never been to Texas, but anything that far south must be a complete 180 from our temperatures up north.

“You do realize they sell hot chocolate here, right? You didn’t have to get yogurt,” I reply.

Dave snorts. “What douchebag orders hot chocolate at a froyo shop? Not this one, that’s for sure.”

Jade laughs, her mane of brown hair spilling over her shoulder, almost into her ice cream.

“Watch out—“ Dave grabs her cup and pushes it out of the way of the mass of locks.

“Pft, thanks, Dave,” Jade says, quickly subduing her hair into a scrungie that had been around her wrist.

“Are you going to the party tonight?” I ask her, hopefully not sounding too awkward/uncomfortable/weird.

She looks at me in confusion, then face-palms. “Shit. I forgot. Who is surprised? No one.”

“Hey, it’s not too late to make plans,” Dave offers.

“Yeah. You can ride with me and Dave if you need,” I add.

She shakes her head. “Thanks guys, but I already told my brothers I’d bring them. Which… I totally forgot about before making plans to go the movies tonight with Callie and Roxy and Jane.”

Jane is Jade’s older sister who’s the same age as Roxy and Dirk. I know about Callie through Roxy. She’s a sweet girl that goes to the other school in Skaia, Alternia. Also known as, the school throwing the party tonight.

“Roxy’s going?” I ask, the gears in my mind turning with a solution.

“Yep!”

“And you know there is no way she will pass up a party. It doesn’t start until nine, so she probably chose a movie that would finish before then, am I right?”

“Yes, you are. Another shocking developing,” Jade rolls her eyes good-naturedly. “I’m glad that’s settled. I almost had a heart attack there. I’m assuming you’re driving tonight?”

“You would assume correctly.”

“I tried to convince her to have fun but there is no loosening up with her, Jade. I really tried,” Dave sighs.

“It was a five minute pesterlog! Besides, I can have fun without alcohol.” There is the underlying bitter thought that I don’t express aloud, the one where I do not want to become my mother, or on a lesser scale Roxy. Dave knows that’s the main reason why I refuse to drink, so he typically doesn’t push the subject.

“I can toast to that,” Jade grins, holding her cup out to me, and I meet it with my own. We both laugh and Dave groans, mumbling ‘nerds’ under his breath.

My stomach flutters in a sudden realization.

Why have I been avoiding her? Why have I been avoiding _this_? While I’ll never regret what I learned about relationships from being with her, I almost wish we had stayed this way, instead of changing it to something that didn’t quite fit. We are perfect for each other, but in a platonic soul mate sort of way. She makes me happy without having to be _mine_.

We chat for a while longer, about school, friends, and shitty movies—the three of us having a simple, yet great time, like it used to be freshman and sophomore year. Before we ever even tasted alcohol or thought about romance or sexuality. It is nice.

“Alright, I guess we should stop hogging this booth,” Jade sighs, slipping her coat back on and grabbing her long-empty cup. Dave and I do the same, and we all meet outside the shop.

“See ya tonight, Jade,” Dave says, giving her a hug.

“Be careful you two,” she responds, winking at me before enveloping me in a warm embrace. “I missed you,” she whispers in my ear. I freeze on the spot, completely caught off guard.

“I’m sorry. I promise to stop ignoring your messages. I haven’t been fair to you,” I whisper back, “I missed you, too. I just didn’t know how to say it yet.”

She laughs, stepping back from the hug. “The verbose Rose Lalonde, at a loss for words? Never thought I’d see the day.”

I smile, an actual, genuine smile. “Oh, hush.”

The first thing Dave says when we get back into the car is, “That was a long hug.”

I stare out the window at Jade’s tall waving figure. I think I’m still smiling. After so long without it I guess I forgot how to stop. “Yes, it was.”


	2. BI. Deeper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GG: can i ask my question now without exposition on dick mythology??   
>  TG: probably

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter to tie in dave exposition before the plot rolls in and makes the chapters stupidly long. enjoy

_And I got way too many feels, way too much emotion_  
_I don't even know what's real_  
_I just say fuck it, keep on going_  
_And I get deeper, I get deeper, yeah, I feel I'm rolling_  
-Kiiara, [[s]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTlqY9i7Gn4)

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

GG: hey!!  
TG: sup  
GG: are you busy tomorrow?  
TG: funny joke  
TG: i mean theres the AHS party but that wouldnt be till later so  
GG: oh yeah john was talking about that  
GG: but would you like to go get froyo tmr afternoon? :0  
TG: yeah sure  
TG: its negative a fuckbillion degrees outside but sure  
GG: oh im sorry is mr cool dude strider afraid of the cold?  
GG: guess ill have to ask karkat instead…  
TG: cmon im way more fun than that neurotic asshole  
TG: my body just up and fucking refuses to acclimate to the weather up here  
TG: texas made me weak jade  
GG: oh my god youre such a drama queen!!  
GG: will you come tomorrow or not :P  
TG: yes jeez  
GG: yay :D  
GG: um…  
GG: can i ask something weird  
TG: no the shoe size thing is a myth and in no way accurate to measuring dick size  
TG: i dunno why that rumor got spread in the first place but when it did shit was EVERYWHERE  
TG: you got grown dudes boasting about their fucking size twelve shoes as if anyone could actually get off with a size twelve dick up their ass  
TG: im glad you asked so i can die peacefully knowing at least one person knows the truth  
TG: dont let the truth die with me jade  
TG: proclaim the good news  
TG: evangelize the fuck outta that shit  
GG: DAVE  
TG: what  
GG: shut up!!!!!  
TG: sorry  
GG: that was not at all what i was going to ask you and you know it!  
TG: caught in the act  
GG: can i ask my question now without exposition on dick mythology??  
TG: probably  
GG: would you mind passing along an invitation to our parley to rose?  
TG: uh  
TG: why cant you do it  
GG: ughhhhhhhh  
GG: because shes ignoring me :(  
TG: yeah she can be like that  
GG: i just dont know what i did wrong! i thought our break up was mutual  
GG: i thought she still wanted to be friends  
GG: i guess i thought wrong. :(  
TG: its probably just some weird thing shes having shell get over it  
GG: but thats why i want her to come tomorrow  
GG: maybe if we talk in person itll be better  
TG: alright alright stop your blubbering ill ask her  
TG: as long as this doesnt become a thing where i deliver messages back and forth like the goddamn pony express  
GG: :P thanks  
TG: np  
GG: let me know how if she wants to go or not  
GG: ttyl!  
TG: later

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] –-

I toss my phone onto my bed. It’s going to be an arduous task convincing Rose to leave the house. Not only leave the house, but leave the house to hang out with her ex-girlfriend, who, no matter what she says, she still isn’t over.

I’m so fucking tired of skirting around the subject with both of them. I have to perform a high-level ballet dance every time I talk to either of them to avoid setting something off. I’m surrounded by a minefield of relationship drama that I never asked for. But the middleman never asks to be the middleman, does he?

Before I can even attempt to come up with a complicated, three-tiered strategy to get Rose to the froyo shop tomorrow, she messages me. I flop down onto my bed next to my phone to answer.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

TT: Did you hear about the AHS Christmas party tomorrow night?  
TG: what do you take me for rose ofc i heard about the party  
TG: it is only THE party of the year  
TG: only complete asswipes dont know about the party  
TT: Forgive me for infringing on your pride; I know how delicate it can be.  
TG: offended  
TT: I’m not apologizing twice. I have a contrived hubris, too, you know.  
TT: I suppose what I meant to ask was: Are you going, and do you need me to drive you?  
TG: yes and yes  
TG: i mean  
TG: unless you wanna actually have fun for once then i can find another ride  
TG: im sure dirks bringing roxy we could ride with them  
TT: While I appreciate you taking my potential “fun” into consideration, I’ll have to decline.  
TT: I don’t mind driving you, you know.  
TT: Besides, there is no foreseeable future where Roxy doesn’t get completely trashed and vomits in Dirk’s car, and I would rather not be there for that.  
TG: hahahaha true  
TG: dirk is the real mvp for putting up with that shit  
TT: We’ve got to count ourselves fortunate for being born a whole year after them, because ostensibly that frees us of certain responsibilities pertaining to a certain alcoholic sister. This year, at least.  
TT: Sometimes I feel bad not being there to help Dirk anymore, but there is only so much I can do when they’re in college.  
TG: fuck that rose you helped more than enough while they were still in high school  
TG: god remember last year when roxy spilt an entire bottles worth of wine on your new dress  
TG: shit was a goddamn nightmare it looked like you were the dumb blonde teen in a slasher movie and roxy was the serial killer  
TT: Yes, regrettably that memory wasn’t tragic enough for it to be repressed and forgotten, so I remember it rather vividly.  
TT: Anyway.  
TT: We’ll leave the house tomorrow at 8:00. Sounds good?  
TG: hell yeah  
TG: also  
TG: jade and i are going get froyo tmr afternoon if you wanna join  
TT: Hang out with the ex with only my twin brother as a buffer?  
TT: I think I might take a rain check on that one.  
TG: yeah sorry i figured i just thought id mention it  
TG: i thought yall broke it off on good terms is all  
TT: We did.  
TT: I just,  
TT:  
TT: Hm.  
TG: no really rose its fine i shouldnt have opened that can of worms  
TG: dammit  
TT: Dave. It’s fine. I just need more time to sort out the vortex of feelings that come with that particular ‘can of worms.’  
TG: aight cool  
TT: Good night.  
TG: gn

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] –-

“Shit,” I mutter. She shut down the offer faster than I could come up with something clever to say. I guess ‘Dave: Reunite Your Two Best Friends’ is a complete and utter failure, not unlike most of my social interactions these days.

I strip out of my day clothes, slip on some comfy shorts, and burrow into the covers of my bed. Looks like I’ll be by myself with Jade tomorrow—John’s out of town until tomorrow night. I try to shake the weird feeling I get, thinking about just me and Jade. I know I don’t like her like _that_ ; there are way too many things wrong with that scenario. All of them being Jade being my twin sister’s ex. But I can’t help the feeling that I _should_ like her. We’ve been close friends since I moved to New York; she’s cute, borderline absolutely smoking. Not to mention her incredible personality. And I can’t deny that I haven’t entertained the idea of us together more than once.

But I guess after the fiasco with Terezi, I subconsciously don’t trust myself to start another relationship. I fucked up way too much with her.

I shake my head and close my eyes, clearing my mind for sleep. I’ve ran through this internal dialogue so many times my head feels like a broken record. Besides, the path is clear—attempting anything with Jade would hurt Rose, which is the last thing I would ever, ever, want to do.

\---

Turns out there was nothing to worry about, because the devil herself was up and ready to go when I walked into the kitchen this morning.

“Uh, hey?” I said, not sure what else to do.

“I decided to go with you,” Rose stated in that simple ‘matter-of-fact’ tone of hers.

“Oh? Oh. Okay, cool. Does…Jade know?”

“No. Should I have messaged her?”

“Nah it’s okay. It was her idea for you to come anyway,” I replied, grabbing the keys to our shared convertible off the counter and placing them within the confines of my red hoodie’s pocket. Full disclosure, it’s straight up embarrassing to ride around in the expensive as fuck thing. I don’t know what our mom was thinking when she bought it for us. _Oh, they’ll definitely fit in with this bad boy._ Well guess what? There is literally no way to not-stick out when you’re driving a fucking fifty-thousand dollar car. Thanks, mom. “I’ll drive since you’re already on driving duty tonight.”

“That’s fine,” she answered.

And so the froyo party of three had a beautiful reunion in the city. Actually, Rose and Jade hit it off so well, I might as well have not been there. I am only a little butt-hurt about that. Only a little.

But it’s also the reason the complete shit-eating grin I’m giving Rose right now is totally justifiable.

“Would you mind keeping your eyes on the road?” she asks, rolling her violet eyes in her trademarked way of still looking classy at the same time.

“You’re messaging her right now, aren’t you?”

“I’m sorry, it’s just that I’m failing to see where that it in anyway your business.”

I snort. “C’mon, Rose, I’m kidding. What’s it to me, your twin brother, if you’re gonna get back with your ex? Nope, none of my business at all.”

“Are you jealous, Dave Strider?” Snide as can be.

My grip on the wheel tightens. “Jealous? Why the fuck would I be jealous?”

“Well, I didn’t think you were, until just now when your defensive response gave you away. How long have you liked Jade? And why didn’t you tell me? I wouldn’t of gotten angry or anything absurd like that.”

“Jesus I—look I don’t—why do you think—dammit!” I take a deep breath, “Let’s back the fuck up to say…where _you_ were defensive about messaging Jade? Does that mean you still like her?”

She doesn’t respond right away, so I keep going with what little momentum I have. It’s the only way to beat Rose in these kinds of conversation.

“Exactly. Defensive responses don’t mean shit.”

“You’re right,” she says quietly.

I only here that from Rose about once every five centuries, so color me speechless.

“I don’t like her anymore,” she continues, “I suppose my defensiveness came from my constant internal defense mechanism that doesn’t exactly take kindly to invasive questions. Not that your question was inherently invasive; it’s a sensitive mechanism.”

“Yeah, I can relate to that. I mean, I’ll be honest. I don’t really know how I feel about Jade, so the topic is kinda touchy. Fuck—sorry, if that’s weird. I know it shouldn’t even be an idea in my head but—“

“Dave, it’s okay,” Rose says. She places a hand on my arm, gentle. I try my best not to flinch. “I’m truly over Jade. If feelings toward Jade are something you want to explore then far be it from me to stop you. Besides, it’s been weeks.”

“But that’s the thing; I don’t know if I have feelings like that for her. I don’t know if it’s fear holding me back or what. It’s confusing and it’s starting to fuck with me,” I admit. I hate how open and vulnerable I sound. Rose is the only person I can ever imagine being this open with, which is probably why I can’t maintain most relationships, friends or otherwise. I sure as fuck know that’s why TZ and I ended up a mess.

To my surprise, Rose laughs. “Honestly, if your feelings _weren’t_ confusing, I’d be concerned.”

“Haha, yeah,” is all I can think to say.

“Now, I have my own theories as to why you might be facing this conundrum. Would you like to hear them?”

“Since there is a nonzero chance every single one of those theories will somehow involve my intrinsic love for dick—hell fucking no.”

She has the audacity to fucking giggle at that, but drops the issue. The rest of the drive back home is in a pleasant silence. External silence, that is. Internally, my thoughts make plenty of noise. 

Half of me is elated Rose isn’t stuck in Jade Harley’s gravitational pull. Maybe she’ll start to feel better, if not happy. It’s been killing me to see her so withheld and gloomy.

The other half of me doesn’t know what the hell is going on. It’s a back and forth of _you like Jade, no you don’t, yes you do, no you don’t_. I decide to ignore it all and pretend everything is fine by turning up the radio so loud I can’t hear myself think. An A+, totally proactive strategy that will not end up biting me in the ass, no way no how.

Time to party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah rose chapters will have an "A" in front of them for alpha, while dave chapters will have a "B" in front of them for beta. why? i dont fucking know it seemed like a good idea last week.
> 
> thanks for all the comments and kudos from chapter one! they are what keep me going tbh.
> 
> this chapter is very repetitive from chapter one for the sake of exposition, but from now on it won't be that way. chapter A2 is going to be very long so buckle up folks


	3. AII. Always Frozen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TT2: Through intensive analysis and a few simple deductions, I have come to a conclusion far more damning than any evidence you could provide.   
>  TT1: Sounds like Rose bullshit. Please continue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: explicit descriptions of underage drinking, a 1st person POV anxiety attack, and a very, very brief mention of incest that didn't actually happen.

_My tears are always frozen_  
_I can see the air I breathe_  
_Got my fingers painting pictures_  
_On the glass in front of me_  
\-- Aurora, [[s]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYdm_Z1wnQ0)

\-- timaeusTestified [TT1] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT2] \--

TT1: Are you and Dave going to the Alternia party tonight?  
TT2: Yes.  
TT1: And you’re driving?  
TT2: Seeing as how Mother is still at the lab and Dave is neck-deep in the liquor cabinet, I’d say yes.  
TT2: And before you offer me a ride, I will have to obsequiously decline. You’re going to have enough on your hands without a plastered Dave on top of that.  
TT2: That meaning Roxy. Sorry if I was being inexplicit.  
TT1: Fair enough. But I have a counter argument. Get ready ace attorney.  
TT1: Dave doesn’t get plastered. Actually, for a lightweight, he handles himself well. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him past tipsy.  
TT2: Ah, a valid point. But I have a counter-counter argument.  
TT2: Through intensive analysis and a few simple deductions, I have come to a conclusion far more damning than any evidence you could provide.  
TT1: Sounds like Rose bullshit. Please continue.  
TT2: I have an itching feeling that Dave is going to make a move on Jade tonight.  
TT1: And you’re assuming she won’t reciprocate, and Dave will drink himself into stupor?  
TT2: No.  
TT1: Oh? C’mon, Lalonde. You’re being vague and obtuse.  
TT1: Wait—  
TT1: That’s every day.  
TT2: Says the vague and obtuse man, ironically.  
TT1: Damn straight.  
TT2: Sigh. Striders.  
TT1: See, that would be relatively funny except for a certain protruding ass of a fact.  
TT1: We have the same  
TT1: fucking  
TT1: blood.  
TT2: I’m more than aware.  
TT1: I know.  
TT2: …  
TT2: What was the point we were trying to make again?  
TT1: It got lost somewhere between “it didn’t exist in the first place” and “why the fuck are we like this.”  
TT2: Another award winning dialogue. Truly the real losers here are the audience members at the Academy awards.  
TT2: Instead of hearing our brilliant acceptance speeches, they were stuck with… actually you know what fuck it I didn’t even watch the Oscars this year.  
TT1: I did.  
TT2: Says the vague and obtuse man, unironically.  
TT1: It’s a classy event that I enjoy.  
TT2: Right.  
TT1: Now that we got that asinine exchange out of our systems.  
TT1: Seriously, what did you mean about Dave?  
TT2: I don’t want to say, exactly. It seems unfair, with my above-average insight capabilities, to go throwing around my more than plausible assumptions.  
TT2: All I can say is that I have no idea if Jade will reciprocate or not, but that’s beside the point.  
TT2: I don’t think Dave is going to find what he’s looking for.  
TT2: And I DON’T mean that in the jealous ex-girlfriend way.  
TT2: I mean it in the I think my brother is wrestling with conflicting emotions and internalized shit way.  
TT1: I  
TT1: Think I understand?  
TT2: Mhm.  
TT1: But my offer still stands.  
TT2: And so do my excuses.  
TT1:  
TT1: You need a catharsis, Rose.  
TT2: Ha! Because alcohol is the best way to trigger one. Right. Sounds healthy.  
TT1: Maybe it’s not the healthiest method, but neither is internalizing everything, either.  
TT1: Dave’s not the only one, and I’ll be damned if you try to convince me otherwise.  
TT2: The exterior doesn’t reflect the interior.  
TT1: Okay now I am 100% sure you don’t even know what the fuck you’re saying anymore.  
TT1: You’re not driving tonight. You don’t have to drink, but you aren’t driving. I’m going to pick you and Dave up at 8:00.  
TT1: Stop typing whatever you’re typing and listen to me.  
TT1: I’m responsible enough to take care of my siblings. Roxy, I’m used to. Dave handles himself. Give yourself a break, and just, come along for the ride.  
TT1: Not a single drop of alcohol has to be in your cup.  
TT1: But you don’t have to be a better Mom. Not for Dave, not for Roxy, and certainly not for me.  
TT2: What if I wanted to be a better Mother for myself?  
TT1: No one should have to be their own mother, Rose.  
TT2:  
TT2: I hate it when you’re better at this than me.  
TT1: That’s the point.  
TT2: Fine. We’ll ride with you. But I don’t think I’m going to give you whatever you’re expecting from me.  
TT1: I’m not expecting anything.  
TT1: Besides, you didn’t have a choice.  
TT1: I texted Dave to hide your car keys.  
TT2: You son of a bitch.  
TT2: I’m going to derail this now before I admit you’re superior in anything else. Honestly, what was that? I’d recant my statement if it wouldn’t be facetious to do so at this point.  
TT2: Shouldn’t there be someone else you’re harassing right now?  
TT2: Someone… Harleybertian…  
TT1: Goddammit. Roxy?  
TT2: I do not reveal my sources. It would be unprofessional.  
TT1: Fucking Lalondes.  
TT2: Ehem.  
TT2: “We have the same  
TT2: fucking  
TT2: blood.”  
TT1: Even when I beat you, I lose.  
TT1: And to top it off, I’m oddly proud of you.  
TT2: Run along, Dirk. 

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT2] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT1] \--

I look up from my phone to see Dave holding two full bottles of two different liquors.

“I thought you weren’t supposed to mix hard liquors?” I muse from across the counter. The kitchen, like all the other rooms in the house, is rather large. Inconvenient for Dave, who is walking back and forth from the liquor cabinet at the far end of the modern-style kitchen to the black marble counter top I am currently lounging.

“I can’t decide between white rum and vodka. The rum is sweeter, and will taste better with apple juice, but the vodka has a higher alcohol percentage. This shit is a science, Rose, I gotta do it right.”

“Yes, that is quite the predicament,” I respond dryly as Dave rests the two bottles on the counter and dives back into the cabinet. I leave my seat to go to the double door refrigerator stocked with more mixers than actual food. Any seasoned party goer knows it’s best to have a drink in your hand, even if it’s not alcohol. It gives you something to do with your hands. For whatever reason, it feels awkward not to be holding anything.

“I got it,” Dave exclaims behind me, “I’ll mix vodka and peach schnapps with the apple juice.”

“Yum,” I mutter, grabbing a few Red Bulls to put in the ice chest. I close the fridge, and Dave mixes his first of probably several drinks. When finished, he places the vodka, peach schnapps, apple juice, and the white rum in the ice chest.

“Wait, why are you bringing the rum, too?” I ask, making room in the ice chest for my energy drinks.

He shrugs. “You never know, man.”

“Did you… plan on drinking an entire bottle of vodka tonight?” My stomach twinges. I was beginning to hope my hypothesis was wrong, and that Dave _wasn’t_ going to try to hook up with Jade tonight.

“Jesus _fuck_ ,” he replies, “I ain’t that far gone, Rose. I don’t think even Roxy has pulled that shit before. Well, actually, maybe that one time—“

“So why bring the extra liquor?” I cut him off, well aware of Roxy’s escapades.

He looks away, but not before I catch the corner of his lips twitch. He thinks those glasses hide his facial expressions. Ha—when your twin sister is Rose Lalonde, you’re transparent with even a mask on.

“For the last time, I am not drinking. I’ve already thrown in the towel and agreed to let Dirk drive us, but I. Am. Not. Drinking.”

Dave lets out an overdramatic groan. “Blah blah blah. Don’t care. I’m bringing the rum. Do with it what you will.”

“Which will be nothing,” I reiterate. Dave doesn’t respond; instead, he starts humming while filling the ice chest with ice. I check the time—7:42PM. My heart leaps an inch. Only eighteen minutes before Dirk arrives. With a looming sense of dread, I hop down from the counter stool and head to the guest bathroom to touch up my makeup before the party.

As I expected, the mirror exposes everything. The foundation thicker in some places than others, the mascara clumpy on that one lash that refuses to cooperate, the dark purple lipstick that decided to bleed a little in the off the corner of my mouth. Unnoticeable to others, but huge blemishes to me. I try to resist the urge to spend almost twenty futile minutes perfecting the imperfections.

I fail to resist the urge.

Several makeup-dirtied tissues later, Dave is knocking at the door.

“C’mon, Dirk just pulled up. You know the guy is impatient.”

I can feel my eyes watering at the sight in the mirror, still imperfect.

“Just give me a minute,” I snap.

“I’ll be in the car.”

I place my hands on the sides of the porcelain sink to steady myself. My chest heaves, but I fight it down. It’s all so utterly ridiculous. Sometimes I can put on makeup with no problem; hell, I did it earlier today for the froyo outing. But my anxiety doesn’t have a rational pattern, and sneaks up on me in the most inopportune moments. Sometimes it’s with a fevered drive to perfection (like now), sometimes it’s with a burst of pent up emotions that typically lead to a full-out panic attack. Little to no specific triggers makes it next to impossible to predict.

I force myself to look away from the mirror and exit the bathroom with a slam of the door. I head straight for the medicine cabinet in kitchen, and pull out my anxiety meds. I don’t know if they actually work; they are of the “take when needed” type. I can’t help but think they aren’t much more than a placebo, but it’s better than nothing. I pop a capsule dry and head out the door, already dreading the night ahead.

\---

“What’s wroooong, Rosey?”

I’m stuck in the backseat with Roxy, Dave having called shotgun like a twelve year old. She’s cradling her bottle of strawberry vodka like it’s her lifeline, which to her it probably is. Her pale heart-shaped face is flushed with the glow of tipsyville.

“Roxy, what did I say about drinking before the party?” Dirk calls out from the driver’s seat, practically having to yell over Dave the DJ.

“Sorry, can’t hear you over these sick jams!” Roxy calls back, sticking her tongue out. She turns back to me with a flick of her curly white hair over her shoulder. Not that there was much to flick back; it’s about as long as mine, which is a little over an inch off my shoulders. My hair, though the same shade of cream as Roxy’s, is wavy rather than curly. Thank god for that. My face shape is too similar to Dirk’s—sharp and angled—and unsuited for curls. Dave has the same face as Roxy, though, and the same curled mane, cut to above the ears in his case. While Roxy and I have our resemblances as well as Dirk and Dave have theirs, it’s obvious where the Strilonde similarities lie. Not only physically, but personality wise, too.

“Why so sad? We’re goin’ to a party!!!” Roxy nuzzles up against me, and I get sweet-smelling curls up my nose.

“I’m not sad. I’m just… ruminating.”

"Nah. You’ve been in a dumb bad mood since you got in this car, hun,” she scolds.

“I’ll be fine. You should worry about spilling that vodka on yourself.”

“Excuse me! I never spill my drinks. Perfectly good waste of alcohol right there that is. I mean, waste of perfectly good alcohol. Yeah.”

I stare at her unblinking. I can see her dilated pupils surrounded by that unnatural blush pink.

She bursts into laughter.

“It was a joke, Rose, jeez!” She snorts. I can’t help but let a small smile surface for a moment.

“Yeah, yeah.” I mumble, amused. The truth is, I am exhausted. I had not realized how much my internal dramatics over the outing with Jade had tired me. Add that on top of the medicine I took, I am more than a bit drowsy. Okay, maybe a little bit sad, but that’s more of a universal constant than a mood-changer. Once we arrive at the party, the loud music and second-hand smoke will have me wide awake and hopefully more amiable. 

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

GG: save me  
GG: sos  
TT: Already throwing in the towel? How long have you been at the party? I thought it only just began?  
GG: no we arent there  
GG: i mean we are but we havent got down yet  
GG: im no quitter rose :P  
GG: but jake wont stop talking about dirk and i think im going to puke its so adorable  
TT: Now you’re starting to sound like Roxy.  
GG: hey id just thought id let you know that my cornball of a brother is absolutely head-over-heels for your ninja of a brother after one fucking date  
TT: Charming. This development adds completely new dimensions to Dirk and I’s repertoire. I could shut him down with a few strategically placed jabs concerning said cornball.  
TT: Alas, He’s driving right now, (long story), and I’d rather not cause him to wreck. Though, the thought that I could push him to such extremes with a simple jibe is intriguing.  
GG: see i knew youd get some morbid kick out of this!  
GG: gosh youre so weird sometimes  
GG: which… is exactly why youre my bff <3  
TT: And your seeing to my morbid needs is why you’re mine. <3  
GG: ill let you go for now but we are definitely meeting up tonight  
GG: dont get lost in the crowd before you find me!  
GG: ttyl!

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

I lock my phone with a warm heart. It’s almost like the last few months never happened; Jade and I are truly back to normal.

The whole Dirk situation is rather amusing, too. While neither of us are particularly “out,” so to speak, our sibling and our close friends all know about Dirk and I’s respective orientations—Dirk with boys and I with girls. Although it is nice not to have to deal with public or parental approve, it’s limited our dating pool to the Harleyberts, apparently. I haven’t exactly planned out an official coming out; I cannot imagine Mother caring much thanks to her frequent inebriation, but the idea of my fellow peers knowing doesn’t sit well with me yet. I know it shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks, but the fact remains that people will be ignorant. Confidence doesn’t guarantee safety.

Anyway, limited dating pool or not, I’m happy for Dirk.

Our arrival to the party is recognized by the sudden bumpy, gravel road. All the Alternia High parties are at the Peixes’ camp—a few cabins around a huge lake in the middle of the woods owned by one of the richest families in the city. It is the perfect spot for concealing the numerous illegal activities that would inevitably take place. Not that it would matter if the Peixes got busted for hosting hordes of underage drinkers; they could certainly afford the best lawyers in the state.

Dirk wedges his Jeep between two trees relatively close to the main cabin, a huge two story wooden structure where a DJ and several laser lights are stationed.

“Alright, I’m locking the car. If you need to get another drink out of here, come find me,” Dirk instructs us as we exit the vehicle. Others around us are doing the same; people trickle towards the main cabin in small packs. Roxy sees a group of people she knows and bounds towards them without so much of a glance back. The three of us left set out together in the dark.

We get about halfway to the main cabin when Dave mutters, “Well, shit.”

“What is it?” I ask.

“TZ’s here. With _her_.”

I cast what I hope is an inconspicuous glance in the direction of Dave’s glare. It’s nice not to have to guess where he is looking at night, when his shades are nested in his blonde curls rather than blinding him.

A group of Alternians are gathered around someone’s truck, a few sitting on the tailgate and a few leaning against it. I spot Dave’s ex-girlfriend, Terezi Pyrope, laughing manically at something the girl next to her just said. Vriska Serket. A well-known girl, albeit not for her good deeds. Dave certainly carries no kind feelings for her; Serket and Terezi became glued-at-the-hip best friends almost immediately after Dave and Terezi’s bad break.

“Hey, it’s the Strider-Lalondes!” Vriska calls from atop the truck’s tailgate.

I give a polite wave, as does Dirk, and we continue on. No need to stick around and beg for something unfortunate to happen.

It takes a few more minutes to get to the main cabin, but once we do, it’s almost automatically overwhelming. My nose is assaulted by the skunk spray smell of weed, the burning smell of tobacco, and the sticky smell of alcohol. Illegible music blasts my eardrums, as does the screams of already wasted teenagers.

“I’m going to look for Jade, now,” I tell my brothers, “You can both go on without me.”

“I mean, where there is a Jade, there is a John. So we have the same destination,” Dave says with a swig of his drink.

“Jake rode with Jade, also,” Dirk says off to the side. Dave and I both fail to hide our snickering. Dirk just rolls his eyes and walks faster, leaving us to follow in stride.

I am about to message Jade for her location when Dave grabs my elbow and stops me. He pulls me out of the crowd’s current.

Like Roxy, his face is a bit flushed from drinking; they are both fast drinkers.

“So, uh, I have… a weird question,” Dave says, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand as he often does when anxious.

“Okay.”

He gulps. “How do you know you like someone?”

I blink. “The answer is subjective, Dave. You know that.”

He grunts in frustration. “Then, fuck, give me your subjective opinion, I don’t care.”

“Right now?” I know this has something to do with Jade, but this isn’t exactly the prime location for a feelings-jam.

“No, tomorrow. Yes right now!”

I sigh. “At first, you know because you can’t stop imagining situations of the two of you together. What it would be like to hold their hand, how it would feel to kiss them. Then, your heart races every time you see them, every time they text you. You look at them from across the room and can’t stop thinking about how beautiful they are compared to everyone else in the room.” My voice is almost a whisper by the last syllable. I clear my throat. “That is my subjective opinion.”

Dave’s mind is elsewhere completely, that much is obvious. His scarlet eyes seem to see right past me into space.

“Dave?”

He jumps. “Yes, right, okay. Thanks.” He rubs the back of his neck again. “I think I’ma go say hi to Meenah before I meet up with y’all and the Harleyberts. Later.” And not two seconds later he is lost to the mingling crowd, leaving me alone with a half-finished Red Bull.

I shift my way around huddled groups, opting for looking for Jade rather than messaging her. The signal is awful out here, anyway.

“Excuse me.”

I turn to see girl with a worried look in her eyes standing behind me. The sight of her catches me off guard; her appearance is much too elegant and formal to be here. She’s wearing a black button-down corduroy skirt with a forest green sweater tucked in. Her makeup is soft and glowing on her tanned, possibly Middle Eastern skin. And to top it all off, her short curly black hair is somehow perfectly placed behind her ears, soft and smooth and without a single frizzed strand. Surely not the look for a high school party. A cocktail dinner, perhaps. But not this.

“Yes?” I reply, unsure how else to address this manifestation of grace in front of me.

She wrings her hands together, nervous. I spy piano fingers that match the rest of her long, lithe figure. “Forgive me, but have you seen a boy named Karkat Vantas? He is rather short and loud, and wearing mostly black. I fear I’ve lost him. I have never been here before and I don’t know where to begin looking.”

I marvel at her speech—not sophisticated like one might call my own, but carefully chosen and precise. “I believe I know him, but I haven’t seen him. Although, I haven’t been looking for him, either.”

She sighs. “I knew I should have kept him on a leash.”

“Literally, or figuratively?”

This pulls a small smile from her distressed frown. “Figuratively, though the image of Karkat on a leash is not one I am likely to forget. So, thank you for that,” she laughs. It’s a soft sound, muffled even more by her hand over her mouth.

“Of course. I consider it a duty to instill disturbing, yet undeniably comedic images in other people’s minds. I’m glad you appreciate it. My brother is a poor sport when I try it with him.”

Something about that statement flips a switch in her brain, and she sees my violet eyes for perhaps the first time. I take the moment to notice her own jade green eyes, perfect compliments to her golden skin.

“Oh! You’re Rose, aren’t you? Dave Strider’s sister?”

“It is indeed I.”

“So you know Terezi Pyrope, then? Karkat doesn’t enjoy the company of many people, but if he had to be with someone other than me, it would be her.” Her voice has taken on a hopeful tone.

“Yes. And before you ask, I saw her earlier. I can show you where, if you would like.” I mentally kick myself, knowing I’m keeping Jade waiting. Sigh. What I do for a pretty girl.

Her eyes light up, more than rewarding me for my treason. “Could you?”

“This way,” I announce, heading back towards the gravel road-turned parking lot. “I assume you go to Alternia?” I ask once we are on our way to the truck my brothers and I saw earlier.

She nods. “Yes; I’m Kanaya Maryam. Karkat is my cousin.”

“I know of Karkat. He is a friend of my friend Jade.”

“Yes, I do believe he has mentioned Jade once or twice. Like I said, he’s a very private person,” she explains.

“Nothing wrong with that, until it turns into isolation, which is really just a coping mechanism for something less obvious than the simple dislike for constant company,” I ramble, mentally kicking myself once more, this time hard enough to give myself a bruise.

“Sounds like you have experience with this.”

I laugh a bit too loudly and more than a bit awkwardly. “Possibly, but I’d like to attribute my knowledge to my fascination with psychoanalysis rather than any personal experience. Keeps me from getting too introspective, you know.”

“Is that a bad thing?” She asks, sounding genuine.

_When you are me, yes_. “Depends on the person, I suppose. But enough about me. While I appreciate your exceptional choice of clothing, I cannot imagine you did so thinking it was appropriate for a high school party?” I fear this comes off rude, but Kanaya shows no signs of taking it as such.

“You would be right. I’ve never been to a true high school party, so when Karkat suggested we go to this Christmas party, I was assuming he meant something of more…class,” she sighs, “Not that this isn’t enjoyable, but I could do without all this worrying over my cousin.”

“Understandable. I’ve been to quite a few of these, and I can understand your worry. This is one of the few I’ve been to in a while where I wasn’t directly responsible for one or more of my siblings’ well-beings. Not that the worry is completely gone, per say, but it has been alleviated to some extent.”

I spot the truck coming up, and I can’t help but feel disappointed. Talking to Kanaya is…different. She is so unlike any of my few friends that I want to learn more about her. I honestly can’t even tell if this desire comes from attraction or genuine curiosity. I mean, there is no debating her beauty, but I’ve had so few crushes I’m not sure how they begin. What did I tell Dave earlier about liking someone?

I mentally kick myself for the third damn time. Get your act together, Lalonde. It’s been less than ten minutes. This girl is pretty, and interesting, sure, but you need to calm the fuck down.

“—why I always seem to subject myself to the role of babysitter,” Kanaya finishes… whatever she was saying? Did I really just zone out one of the few things she has said to me?

“Right. Er, we are coming up to the truck on our left,” I stutter, praying to every dark entity that she doesn’t notice my prior social absence.

She follows my gaze and frowns as we walk up to the truck.

“Is he not there?” I ask.

She shakes her head. “I can’t tell, but Vriska is there, so probably not.”

“Terezi, hey! Look! Lalonde the younger is back.” Speak of the devil herself.

Kanaya saves me from having to engage. “Terezi, have you seen Karkat?”

The blind Chinese girl shakes her head roughly, yet without shaking off her red pointed glasses. “Nope. Sorry, Kanaya.”

Vriska hops of the side of the truck. An unnecessary move that she probably hopes looked cool. Her long blonde hair is tied up in the high pony tail, and her signature cobalt jacket flows behind her in the wind on her way to join us like a super villain’s cape. Her mean eyes and physical fitness certainly make her intimidating, but it’s her words you really have to fear.

“Since when did you hang with Skaians,” Vriska asks Kanaya, nodding at me, “One of the Strilonde pricks, no less.”

Kanaya’s reply is dry. “We only just met, but I see no reason for it to be an issue even if we hadn’t.”

Vriska throws her hands up in mock surrender. “Hey, not saying there would be. I’m honestly surprised Rose here had time to make friends,” her grin turns deadly, “Thought she’d be too busy sucking face with Jade Harley.”

My shock stuns me to where I can’t form the words to reply. Kanaya looks uncomfortable and unsure how to diffuse the tension.

Serket just keeps going. “Was it a secret? Woops! Sorry. I hear soooooooo many things that I forget what’s a secret and what’s not a secret.”

“Then maybe you shouldn’t repeat anything you hear,” Kanaya mumbles.

“I mean, what’s the big deal anyway! Most people assumed you two were a thing, after all,” Vriska continues, ignoring Kanaya’s comment.

“Unless,” she pauses, noting the color drained from my face, “You thought no one knew you played for the other team at all, is that it? C’mon don’t look at me like that! Own it sister! Ain’t no big thing!”

Terezi appears behind Vriska and puts a hand on her shoulder. “Uh, Vris. You might want to stop.”

“Uggggggggh, don’t be dramatic, Pyrope. I’m trying to help Rose embrace her nature! Besides…”

How am I just now noticing how tipsy Vriska is? She holds herself well, but the look in her eyes is far from that of a sober person’s. I can tell from whatever she’s about to say, it’s going to be the hammer than drops. Yet, I can’t stop myself from listening.

“Isn’t it better to be known as a lesbian rather than the girl that fucks her twin brother?”

“Vriska, what the FUCK?” Terezi yells. I think it is Terezi, at least. I’ve already turned around, walking, stumbling, not breathing in the opposite direction of the truck. Heading towards…Dirk’s Jeep? Yes, the Jeep. Go there. Now.

Someone is calling my name, but I don’t respond. My ears are buzzing; what Vriska said hasn’t gone around in years. It was a ridiculous rumor that generated right when Dave and Dirk moved from Texas to New York the summer before freshmen year. It was stupid, spiteful, and created out of phobia for anyone who didn’t fit the mold of what was considered normal. They saw a family of freaks; two sets of twins with wild colored eyes and ghostly white skin and hair. There was no way to explain our mutations without sounding crazy. Or getting Mother arrested, for that matter.

It helped that Dave and Roxy are so charismatic, and made fast friends with plenty of people from both schools. Dirk and I rode their coattails, but it wasn’t long before people warmed up to us too.

Needless to say, it was beyond ludicrous for Vriska to dredge up that horrible lie from years ago. Hardly anyone even remembers that that was a thing. If I hadn’t been a direct victim of the ridicule, I probably would have forgotten myself.

“Rosey?”

My feet stop moving, and my lungs squeeze in an effort to pull in some air. I made it to the Jeep, and Roxy is here, fixing a drink in the back seat with the door open.

“Rose?”

Kanaya is here now, too. She breathes heavily, also. Was I running?

“Whut’s wrong, Roesh?” Roxy slurs, already far gone. How long have we been here? Not over thirty minutes, I don’t believe. I can’t believe Dirk gave her the keys to the Jeep; the last thing she needs is more alcohol.

I take a deep breath and consider what is wrong. Underneath all of Vriska’s scathing remarks lies an unsettling truth. She knows I’m gay. She knows I was with Jade at some point. She insinuated that many people assumed both of those things already. And then she proceeded to announce those facts to anyone in the vicinity who cared to be listening.

I’m not ashamed, no. I just feel… violated. Outraged. Exposed.

I toss the empty energy drink into the back seat and reach around for the ice chest. “Don’t worry, Roxy. Just make sure you don’t lose Dirk’s keys.”

“Ughh, you’re so NAGgy,” Roxy groans before hoping out the back seat. She tosses the keys to me, clumsy. “You give’m to ‘m then.”

I take the keys and tuck them in my back jeans pocket. I turn back to the ice chest and grab another energy drink.

Then I put it back.

And grab the extra cup. Pour the rum, then the schnapps, then the juice. Easy. I stir, poorly, with my index finger. Sip. It’s sweet.

"Rose?”

I jump. I forgot Kanaya was here.

She’s looking downward, remorse written all over her face. “I’m sorry about all of that. I thought that maybe Karkat—“

I cut her off. “Kanaya, that wasn’t your fault. I have to find two people now, so if you join me I’m sure we’ll run in to Karkat along the way.” A bigger sip this time. It’s sweet with a burning finish. A voice in the back of my head protests, furious. For the first time in my life, I ignore it.

I shut the car door and Kanaya eyes the drink in my hand but doesn’t comment. “Are you sure? You’ve already done enough.”

Sip. “Positive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im not really sure about this chapter? it feels weird even tho i tried to avoid that by making it so long. and its very fucking long (for me at least). also. i know blonde vriska is a cliche or whatever but consider this: i dont care. jk i really just like writing vriska as a Mean Girl(tm) 
> 
> all the current and future descriptions of alcohol are based on my own experiences, so if it ever seems like too much or too graphic im sorry im just being real here. high school can be wild
> 
> thanks for stickin around another week. see ya guys next weekend with some dave
> 
> if u havent been listening to the songs at the beginning of the chapters, i suggest you do this time bc all of aurora's songs are incredible and many of them are very rose. and aurora herself resembles my headcanon rose to an extent. so ye


	4. BII. Sober Demise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TG: well while you get to be a huge lesbian   
>  TG: im stuck   
>  TG: with   
>  TG: god you should see the look hes giving me right now its downright ugly man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i told myself i wouldnt give an emo song rec yet here we are
> 
> same warnings as last chapter, different wild goose chase

_“Splash over your body while you drown on me_  
_You ain't seen nothin' yet_  
_Enter the galaxy of our sober demise_  
_To the young and without type.”_  
\--Pierce the Veil, [[s]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7ejc3qn06w)

The grip on the cup in my hand tightens as I maneuver my way away from Rose and into the crowd. I can’t tell if it’s the booze or anxiety that makes me tune into the beating of my own heart and its miniscule flutters against my sternum. I feel so off, so off-kilter with reality right now that I don’t know what to do. My original plan was to talk it up with Jade, alone, and see if she felt anything for me. I thought, maybe if she’s into me, everything will fall into place and I’ll understand what I’m feeling. But now, as I stare into that godforsaken void and it stares back, I can’t find my footing.

What Rose said, about liking someone. That was… so beyond anything I’ve ever felt. Honestly, now that I keep using it as a reference, I can see that what I’m feeling now is exactly how I felt with Terezi. I don’t want to make Jade another Terezi. Terezi didn’t deserve it, and Jade sure as hell doesn’t. So why do I want to try it with Jade so bad? Am I really that lonely and pathetic?

I take a long sip of my drink and make my way around the huge main cabin. I pass couples making out, stoners getting stoned, and one guy pissing in a bush. Meenah Peixes and some of her college friends tend to hang out on the dock behind the cabin. Maybe not the best place for her to be, as the main hostess, but I guess Feferi does enough socializing for the both of them.

I know Meenah through music. Back when she was still in high school at Alternia, we collaborated on a few tracks. Her sharp, almost vicious style is a nice juxtaposition to my own smooth and flowing one. She doesn’t create much anymore; the college work load is a real creative depressant. I still throw down some beats now and then, but definitely not as often as freshman and sophomore year. I’ve been focusing more on actual writing, using my seasoned rap skills to churn out something more akin to contemporary poetry. Sounds lame, but it’s relaxing, and a less invasive way to let out some steam than facing Rose’s out-of-date psychoanalysis.

I reach the bank of the lake and walk up the creaking wooden stairs to the platform of the dock. Well, dock is the wrong word. It’s a… gazebo… I believe is its real name. Fucking rich people, man. _Dave, you’re a rich people_. Fair, but I’ve only been one for like three and a half years. It doesn’t count as much.

Expensive patio furniture and fairy lights decorate the entirety of the platform, and most of the seats are occupied by Meenah and her friends. I spy the punk girl smoking a joe and lounging on a couch next to who I think is a Megido, but who the fuck knows. I sure don’t. It’s hard enough to keep track of the current Alternians. Has-beens are next to impossible.

“Shello, Dave,” Meenah says in greeting with a flick of one of her two long braids. The Peixes family is originally from Hawaii, I think. It fits with Meenah’s black hair, tanned skin, and round face. She’s really pretty, but in a lethal way. While her younger sister looks as if she were a princess of a long forgotten kingdom, Meenah looks like the soon to be discovered dictator of a sovereign nation. Helps that she’s fucking nuts. The chick speaks in fish puns, for fucks sake.

“’Sup,” I nod, taking a sip with one hand and pulling my jacket closer with the other.

Meenah pulls out her pack of cigarettes. “You look cold. Fancy a joe?”

I shrug. “Sure.” She lights a new cig with the one in her mouth and hands it over. “Thanks.”

“How’s the party shapin’ up?” The girl asks with a tipsy wave of her hand. She pats the spot next to her. I take the seat, eyeing the intimidating maybe-Megido with caution. She just grins lazily and takes a swig of the beer in her hand.

“Just got here, but there seems to be tons of people already. Thought the party started after 8?”

Meenah snorts. “For the high school guppies, yeah. The college kids started getting here a lot earlier though.”

“Wow, way to make a guy feel like a chump,” I tease, rolling my eyes.

Meenah elbows me playfully. “But you’re the reelist chump I know!”

“Okay, that one was awful. Even you have to admit it.”

“No fin will ever make me take back a fish pun. No fin.”

I smirk, but I don’t reply. I’m not exactly in the mood for small talk; this is just a way to procrastinate the Jade Thing.

"What? No insufferable tangent? What’s got ya eeling down?” She leans in, chin in her hands, long fuchsia nails clicking against her jaw.

Siiiip. I lean back into the sofa; the fuzzy fabric feels weird against my buzzed skin. “I try to tone down the monologues when in the presence of people who don’t appreciate them.”

“Bull carp! That mouth ain’t got a filter no way no how. Fess up, Strider.”

I groan and sink lower into the seat. “Flighty broads and their nosey horseshit. Why are all the women in my life like this?”

Meenah cackles. “I just kidding, swimmer down. Personal stuff is personal, I can respect that. So—are you still jamming out back at Skaia Hell?”

“Eh. Same as you. Not as much as before. Planning for college and applying for scholarships drains the life outta ya.”

“Don’t gotta tell me twice.” She takes a long drag from the ever shortening cigarette in her hand, then blows it right into my face. I don’t blink.

“Ehem.”

Both of us turn to the much unwarranted view of Karkat Vantas.

A short kid, my age—a senior at Alternia—scrawny, a mess of dark hair and sun baked brown skin. His thick eyebrows are bent in a permanent scowl over his red-tinted brown eyes. He’s a volatile little Tasmanian devil Jade insists on hanging will sometimes. I’ll never understand the appeal; the kid is a nightmare.

“Ah! My favorite Vantas!” Meenah explains, launching herself from the couch to wrap her long swimmer’s arms around Karkat, who looks less than pleased.

“Okay, absolutely fucking not. We are not doing this,” he grumbles as he pries the girl’s arms off of himself, “I came here for the alcohol you promised me. That’s it.”

“Ugh, fine. You’re such a wet blanket, mini-V.”

His glare could kill a man. “Stop. Calling. Me. That.”

Meenah frowns and plops down on the couch. “Check the ice chest over there.”

Karkat leaves us, grumbling to himself. I don’t miss the harsh look he gives me along the way. Whatever misgivings I have for the guy, his contempt for me far overshadows them.

He, according to Jade, had some sort of huge unrequited crush on Terezi while she and I dated. So when I broke up with her, and he saw how much I hurt her and was basically a piece of shit of a boyfriend… Well, let’s just say it was not the most enjoyable of conversations. Mutual animosity has presided ever since.

“Why do you owe Vantas alcohol?” I ask Meenah, who shrugs.

“He kelped me move all my shit from my old apartment into my new one.”

I raise my eyebrows. “Why not just hire a moving service?”

"They aren’t as funny,” she grins.

Karkat returns with ice crumbs clinging to the bottom of his black turtle neck and two hard lemonades. “Thanks,” he tells Meenah. It looks like he’s about to go, but then he turns ever so slowly to me, refusing to make eye contact.

His face is contorted in the most obvious _I can’t believe I’m saying this right now_ expression. “Have you seen Terezi?” He practically whispers the request.

“What was that?” I ask facetiously.

“Have you seen Terezi?” He repeats through gritted teeth.

“Huh?”

“I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME YOU UTTER SACK OF SHIT.”

“See now that’s an audible tone right there. Thank you for complying, you see—“

“AUGH! Never mind!” He starts to stomp off gazebo.

Every part of me knows it’s an absolutely horrible idea, but I’m almost done with my drink and the cigarette I never smoked is burning out. Not to mention my head’s a tad fuzzy. “Wait!” I salute Meenah good bye and follow the fast-moving Vantas down the dock. “Yo, dude! I saw her earlier.”

He doesn’t even turn around. Instead, he flips me off from behind. I catch up with him and grab his shoulder to get him to stop fucking power walking like a vaguely overweight mom. He doesn’t take this too kindly, and practically shoves me off.

“Fuck off, Strider.”

“So… do you not want my help anymore?”

“Yes, that is exactly what is happening.”

I sigh but the guy is stubborn and keeps walking. “She’s with Vriska sitting on the tailgate of someone’s truck,” I call out after him. His stride wavers. “How am I supposed to know where that is?”

 _Don’t do say it Dave, you damned fool_. “I can show you?” My brain finally catches up with my reasoning; guiding Karkat would provide a nice medium for procrastination. Jade’s smile flashes in my mind. Yup. Karkat’s getting an escort whether he wants it or not.

Not to mention, I need a second drink soon.

Karkat rubs his face with his hand in near-anguish. He finally faces me and I note the heavy bags under his eyes. “Fine.”

“Don’t get too excited,” I chuckle, walking ahead of him back toward where we parked. He doesn’t reply. Instead, he follows silently behind me.

“I used to drink hard lemonades,” I say, unable to stand what I’m sure will be a length of silence lasting until we reach Terezi, “But I can’t do the carbonation thing. I grew up on the shit, and I don’t think my stomach lining can take any more of it. Not that hard liquor is much easier on the insides but at least it doesn’t hurt to drink. Seriously, how do people drink soft drinks for enjoyment? Do they just ignore what feels like knives tap-dancing on their esophagus? Before I moved here I drank it only out of necessity—tried to get my hands on some good ol’ AJ when I could, but couldn’t always do that, you know.”

When Karkat doesn’t respond, I try for something else. “…Anyway, uh, how’s school?”

He snorts, and I slow down to get even with him. “Why the fuck do you care?” He asks.

“Just asking, man,” I reply, hands in the air in surrender.

“Just because I agreed to let you show me where Terezi is doesn’t make us “best bros” or whatever the fuck.”

“Yeah, man, I wasn’t tryna like, you know,” I mentally grasp for words but none come.

“No, I don’t know, Strider. And I really don’t know what shady shit you’re up to, either.”

“I’m not—“

He holds out a hand. “Don’t. Just. Don’t. Keeping walking so I can pretend this never happened, and you can go get shit faced and forget this never happened. Okay? Okay.”

My mouth opens and closes. What can I say? Karkat Vantas knows how to shut someone down. Not because he’s menacing or anything, but there’s something about him that demands submission. Weird for such a vibe to come from such a small and grouchy guy, but I guess there is always more than meets the eye.

Much to my annoyance, we walk the remainder of the journey in silence. I’ve finished my drink by this point, and my buzz craves more. If I’m going to talk to Jade, it needs to be soon in case I get incoherent at some point. Not even that really; just, before I get embarrassing. Which would come with another drink.

As we get closer to the parking area, my mind is whirling to conjure escape plans. I don’t want to be a complete dick and leave the moment I drop Karkat off, even if that’s what he wants me to do. But if I stay longer than a minute or so someone I know there is bound to capture me in a conversation, leaving me in the vicinity of Terezi Pyrope for longer than a few seconds. Not good.

You know what, that first option sounds really good right now.

“The truck they were at is by that tree over there,” I say, pointing the way for Karkat. He nods gruffly, and takes off in that direction. I keep walking straight, toward the Jeep.

Alas, Rose’s weird dark octo gods that she may or may not ironically or unironically believe in must have me on their karma hit list, because who is at the Jeep? Why, none other than Vriska Serket herself, in all her awful yet undeniably attractive glory. I mean what?

She’s lounging against the back passenger door, a beer swinging haphazardly in one hand and the other hand in the pocket of her blue jacket.

“Why?” I deadpan, not at all in the mood.

“Weeeeeeeell, I had originally come to _apologize_ to your sister for ‘unnecessary’ comments I made to her,” she explains, rolling her eyes and taking a swig.

I frown. “What do you mean?”

“You know how Terezi is. Always gotta make things even and shit.”

“No. I mean, what did you say to Rose?”

She waves a hand lazily. “Just something stupid about Jade. It was a big deal, apparently. Bad break for the both of us, ‘cause now Terezi is pissed with me.”

I take a step forward. “How did you know about Jade?”

“Uhhhhhhhh, I’m not an idiot? Rose is way more transparent than she likes to believe. It’s the same for all you Strider-Lalondes.”

My fist clenches. “And you thought it would be okay to mention that at a public party? What the actual fuck.” I push past her and pull on the passenger door. It opens; either Roxy or Rose forgot to lock the Jeep. God, if Dirk knew.

I dig through the ice chest and my suspicions are confirmed. A considerable amount of the rum is missing from its once full bottle. I resist the urge to slam my head against the vehicle. Why did I encourage Rose to drink? That’s like, the worst brotherly advice to have ever been given. I guess I assumed there was no way she’d actually do it, and pestering her was more out of ironic japing than serious cajoling. Dirk encouraged it, too, I suppose, but that doesn’t make it better. Instead, that carefully hidden yet constant feeling of unwelcome creeps back. What right did Dirk and I have moving in and screwing around with Rose and Roxy’s lives? We didn’t have a choice, fair. But we could have kept quiet and not interfered. We have no business being brothers, or family of any kind. Especially not me.

I poor another drink with trembling hands and make sure I lock the Jeep when I finally leave the backseat. Vriska is gone and good riddance. In her place is Karkat once again, looking annoyed and angry. I’m sorry, I mean looking normal.

“Did you find Terezi?” I ask, taking a sip of my new drink and wincing. I should’ve gone heavier on the AJ. You can never have too much AJ.

Karkat looks down and kicks a piece of gravel. “Yeah. I found her.”

I wait for him to elaborate. Why, I don’t know. The boy hates me, and definitely doesn’t want to talk girl problems with _me_. “So, uh, why aren’t you, like, with her right now?” Real eloquent, Dave.

“You’re one nosey fuck aren’t you?” He practically growls. But then he softens. “My cousin is looking for me and she’s with your sister. Where is she?”

“How am I supposed to know? Do I look like Rose-Tracker 3000?”

“You’re right, you look like a moron. Can you please just, use your twin telepathy powers or something?”

I can’t figure this guy out. One moment he’s sacrificing his sanity to let me help him find Terezi, and now he’s asking me to take him away from her. Their short exchange must have been really bad, or this cousin of his is really important to him. I’m willing to bet on both.

“Sorry, twin telepathy only works on a full moon with 45% humidity and Mercury in retrograde. But lucky for you, technology exists,” I say. He doesn’t respond as I reach into my back pocket and pull out my phone. Luckily, there is a weak signal.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: hey  
TG: where you at  
TT: With Jade, why? Is something wrong?  
TG: nah  
TG: i mean maybe idk  
TG: all i know is i have karkat “i hate dave strider” vantas with me and hes looking for his cousin  
TG: who is with you apparently?  
TG: yeah  
TT: I believe you mean Kanaya. Yes, she is with me. She’s been in quite the state with worry over Karkat.  
TG: man why did they separate in the first place  
TG: and why did we get stuck with the shitty job of reuniting them  
TT: I wouldn’t say it’s shitty. I am quite enjoying my side of the exchange. Have you met Kanaya? She’s a delight.  
TG: well while you get to be a huge lesbian  
TG: im stuck  
TG: with  
TG: god you should see the look hes giving me right now its downright ugly man  
TG: if looks could kill ya know  
TT: No one is stopping you from being a huge gay, Dave.  
TG: look  
TG: why are you like this  
TG: just  
TG: tell me where you are  
TT: The three of us are sitting under a tree on the edge of the forest east of the main cabin. I trust you’ll be able to find us from that?  
TG: well its not like you can drop a pin in this dead ass fucking zone  
TG: itll have to do  
TG: brb

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

“Aight, I got a location,” I announce.

Karkat snorts. “It’s about time. Where is she?”

“Just follow me. You were getting good at it.”

“I’m not a toddler, Strider, I can navigate a party on my own,” he spits.

“Obviously not,” I interject, “Besides, she’s with Jade, who I needed to talk to anyway.”

Karkat makes a series of questionable noises that I take as agreement, so I lead the way back into the party. I try to ignore the twisting in my gut as I walk towards what is unknown and what I have been avoiding. Rose, drinking. Jade, existing. Even Karkat, who I feel like I should make amends with though I have no idea how. I take a long drink. My lips feel weird.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh sorry for such a late post bleg. ive just had a really bad last two weeks, mental health wise. so i apologize for this chapter's general not-goodness. i didnt edit it as thoroughly as i usually do so please let me know about an errors u see!
> 
> things should be back on track for the next chapter though. at least, it definitely shouldnt be another two weeks before you see the next update. thank u for ur patience tho!
> 
> also, i have a discord server for wlw being gay and talkin homestuck shit (or not, its not a requirement to be a homestuck) so, [head over here for good times](https://discord.gg/34Zxx) if that includes u.

**Author's Note:**

> ya girl is back with more pesterlogs and poorly disguised song recommendations
> 
> seriously tho thanks for reading my self-indulgent fic lmao. drop a kudo or a comment if ur in the mood. ill update this weekly unless i have more/less written than planned. idk im not a schedule person so just expect updates whenever
> 
> tumblr: [lilithstarlight](https://lilithstarlight.tumblr.com/)


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